Disaster is coming. In Los Angeles, it’s probably going to be an earthquake next week.
Evidently, we are supposed to have a 6.4 earthquake disaster on Monday…
If you’re like me, and you should thank your particular God that you are not, then you have a weird love of disaster. From monster snowstorms and tornado season to hurricanes and the inevitable zombie apocalypse, I am a sucker for The Weather Channel and “The Walking Dead.” With the recent “swarm” (a great term for engineering fear into the locals) of earthquakes in the LA area, I’ve found a great site that is a wonderful source for keeping people in fear of The Big One. And I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a disaster preparedness kit and disaster plans to not only survive but THRIVE in the post apocalpytic hell-scape.
Depending on the size, shallowness (it is LA and that comes with a double meaning) and location of the quake, I have several plans in place. Unlike the majority of LA, we here in the South Bay and along the coast have different worries than those who live in landlocked communities. Whereas they have to defend their homes on all sides from roving hordes of out-of-work actors and writers emoting soliloquies and asking you to read their scripts respectively across the ruins of Hollywood, beach denizens may have to deal with a possible tsunami. (Actually, this is highly improbable as the type of disasterous earthquake in Southern California will be centered on land and isn’t the type that springs tsunamis. But, I’d like to think that the raft with supplies lashed to my roof isn’t there just for the amusement of my neighbors.)
Should you “hole up” or “strike out and look for a shelter?” I prefer the idea of holing up in my house until calm is returned to the rubble of LA. Luckily “Brownie” isn’t in charge of FEMA anymore, so it’s possible that emergency help WILL pour into the area within a few days. So, instead of leaving my place, I am going to just sit back on my patio with a cooler of Arrowhead and my 96 pack of granola bars, some canned goods and some Sterno and watch the panicked unprepared people run around below me. Kind of like I do every day…
But some people have no plan or kit ready in case the water stops running and the gas stops flowing. They will run around, clutching their iPad’s with no internet connection trying to avoid the roving mohawked bands of leather and spiked clad gangs riding on their post apocalyptic pimped out drop-top Cadillacs. They might make it to the shelters at the local schools if they haven’t been turned into a smoking pile of rubble, but I’ve seen enough disaster movies to know what THAT scene will look like. So, I suggest staying home in this type of disaster. And that means you need a disaster prep kit.
What you need in your disaster preparedness kit
Water – I guarantee the tap won’t be running and it won’t be clean for days after it is running. So, not only will you need some to drink (suggested: a gallon of water per person per day), you can use it to clean your dirty, smelly body off for when your friends who didn’t prepare DO arrive at your fortress. AND, nothing entices unsuspecting people into your spider’s web… I mean refuge, like the necessities of life.
Food – canned goods are especially good in disasters. They hold up well and you can use canned goods to bean anyone nearing your home in the head and then store them in your meat locker for later…
Medications – I prefer medicinal marijuana after a disaster. It’s the best thing for any kind of pain.
Radio – Pick one that can play your iTunes. Nothing is better than watching the city burn and chaos run rampant than listening to “Dark Side of the Moon.”
Toilet paper/tooth brush – if you’re even thinking of using my compound as your place of refuge, BRING YOUR OWN!
Cell Phone – a great disaster tip: Immediately after the initial disaster, make as many cell calls as you can! This is in order to prove that AT&T, T-Mobile and Verizon have put enough cell towers in your neighborhood. Authorities don’t mind. Really!
Games and activities for the kids – You’ve got to keep the kids busy during the post disaster. I suggest “strip the dead body for shoes and weapons” or the classic “fortify the defenses” games of my childhood.
Pet Supplies – there is nothing worse that a skinny pet when the food runs out…
Matches, duct tape, blankets and everything “Dexter” has – look, it may not come to it, but the last thing you want is 1. a mess and 2. evidence of your cannibalism when the government imposes martial law.
So, there you have it. Get ready, Los Angeles, a 6.4 is “forecast” for this Monday. It may sound like a false alarm, but they did predict the 6.5 in Iran yesterday (well, one of them. There WERE three).