I’m getting all the rants out only days before Mom and Dad take over my pad…
With Ma and Pa Barley driving Hell-bent for Hermosa Beach next week, I thought it might be a good idea to get out all the things that are bothering me before they get here. Actually, “Hell-bent” for retirees in their late 60’s and (now) 70’s is setting the “‘ol cruise control at 70 and using traditional maps to find Old Route 66 and stop at every Presidential Museum from Chicago to LA).
UPDATE: As of yesterday, my parents had made Kansas with a plan “to get to Wichita maybe and find a place to stay. Or something like that. We don’t know for sure.” I love my parents.
So, to lighten the mood around my one bedroom apartment which will be housing three individuals for almost a week, I’m getting it all out. Airing the ire that is stuck in my head. Because none of my friends listen to me anymore, you’re my sounding board for what’s been stuck in my craw:
From the craw:
Horror movie victims – When your neighbor turns his Bose sound system up to 70% of its possible volume at 1 a.m., then falls asleep on the remote, you have a hard time sleeping. This is why I found myself watching the independent “horror” film “Wolf Creek” in the wee hours on IFC. It’s one of those “based on actual events” films, and therein lies the issue: With enough horror films based on “true” events, wouldn’t people be more aware of how to survive in these situations? During the film, three backpackers are stranded and abducted by a serial killer in the Outback. One of the victims is able to free herself, find her friend (tied to a pole and being tortured by the killer) and rescue her by shooting the killer with a single bolt-action rifle. Then they run off, trying to get away (with over 45 minutes in the film no less!). Needless to say, they forgot the number one concept in extricating oneself from this situation: make sure the killer IS DEAD!!!! I mean REALLY dead.
We’ve all seen enough horror movies to know that IF (and a big IF) you are ever in this situation and you have a chance to get away, you ALWAYS make sure that the killer is incapacitated enough to do no more harm. If you’re not in a supernatural situation, which requires techniques not readily available to normal people, beheading is the number one option. I know, I know. Dark. But, most normal human killers find it tough to chase teenagers through the woods or Outback without a head. Should you have an aversion to killing, I suggest immobilizing the antagonist in any of the following ways: cutting off limbs such as feet or hands, cutting Achilles’ Heels or hamstrings, or at the very least tightly hog-tying them and hanging them upside down. And in all cases, you’ll want to take all the weapons in sight along with you.
Is it macabre and dark to think like this? Sure. But, if four guys in canoes in West Virginia had gone dark side early, then “Deliverance” would have been about four guys on a fun weekend canoe trip instead.
Talking Heads – No, not the band, the highly stylized actors who read the news and try to make themselves appear smarter as well as part of the story. (CNN, I am looking directly at you while keeping an eye on FOX News out of the corner of my eye…). I may have been young, but I can still remember Walter Cronkite on the evening news. Poised, even-toned and emanating an air austerity and intelligence, Cronkite reported on the news with little bombast or opinion. Yes, he did pontificate on Vietnam and was emotional when Kennedy died, but that was before my time.
Today, when I watch the news – whether it is local or national or cable news – I am constantly yelling at the TV talking head that is trying to talk in big words and make the news rather than report on it. How very old man of me yelling at the TV like this! And, in no segment is this more evident than the interview in which many anchors/reporters try to guide the interview by asking leading and easy questions. Some of these questions are so easy and “softball-ish” that you could hit them with the side end of a ruler. It’s as if we are watching a PR puff piece and not an interview. Dear TV reporters and anchor people: you are RARELY smart or knowledgeable on the subject you are reporting. You are involved in this piece because your producer (also NOT as smart as they think they are) thinks you look good enough after hair and makeup to be on camera.
Guys who wear baseball hats askew or backward after the age of 35 – Look, you were probably a douche bag when you wore it this way in your teens or 20’s, but wearing a baseball hat this way in your 30’s screams that you are an effing douche bag. As I wrote once about dressing for what you want, you deserve the job or girlfriend you have.
Well, those are just three things that are bugging me today. I have more that I may have to get off my chest later this weekend before the parental units arrive.
But, before I go I want to say thanks to Branka at Mudhoney Hair Salon who has cut my hair 12 years now (back when it was looooonnnnggg) who gave me a stellar haircut yesterday.
And a big congratulations to Eric Withee, who just picked up a gig working on the new film “Oz, The Great and Powerful.”
Until next time…
If you found this funny, smart or oddly interesting (or you hated it and want to bug your friends), please forward it or repost it somewhere.