Only you can save yourself if you ever find yourself in a horror film…
With the impending return of “American Horror Story: Asylum” and “Walking Dead” next month, I thought it might be a good idea to prep all my readers to understand when they’re in a horror film, how best to survive it, and be the survivor who regales movie executives with the tale in order to sell the movie rights so that they can put themselves in a similar situation for the sequel.
I’ve written on the topic of disaster survival and a zombie apocalypse in a previous blog. Where that blog touched on prepping before and surviving after an apocalypse, today’s blog will touch on general horror movie moments that will help you recognize when you’re in a horror movie situation. But, I won’t just leave you there like some local townie that gets off on watching the tourists struggle for survival. No, I’ll give you suggestions on what to do when you recognize your imminent peril and how to keep yourself alive and sell the movie rights.
Whether it’s who you are, where you are, the weather or just things seem off, here are some ways to recognize and survive.
If you can recognize these moments, you’re one step closer to survival:
You’re African American – To my African American friends, I’m sorry. But, until Tyler Perry starts making horror films, you’re still the first of any group to buy the farm. Unless your name is LL Cool J, Ice-something or you’re a rising star, you’re going to be the antagonist’s first victim, second at the very least. I am sure that this is why groups of white kids always cajole their African American friends to come with them on camping trips.
Suggested form of survival: Stick with the white people. Even if they make a solid, logical case why you should be off checking that blown fuse in the basement by yourself, take a white person with you. (And, before you all cry foul and suggest that this is racist, there are hundreds of Google pages dedicated to this very topic.)
You’re sexually active – Ah, young love… Well, keep it in your pants, kiddos! If you can’t keep from copping a feel at the isolated cabin far away from any other people and out of cell phone range, then make sure your will has been updated. If you’re thinking of making sweet, sweet love to that young lover of yours, just remember that as soon as you are done, the odds of you dying are going to go through the roof. This, however, does have the benefit of not having to think about baseball… 😉
Suggested form of survival: Get it out of the way BEFORE you get in the broken down piece of shit you’re going to drive to the isolated cabin on Haunted Lake. Not only will you make your boyfriend happier than he’s ever been by not having to beg and cajole when you’re alone in the misty forest, but you will be freeing up lots of time to think logically through the horrifying situation to come. Sorry, guys, there is no easy way to get this out of the way unless your girl is a real slut – and that poses a whole new set of problems while at the cabin on Haunted Lake.
Isolation – Speaking of isolated cabins, isolated places are the time-shares of killing locales in horror films: sure, they look good on the outside, but you’ll be stuck in a long seminar of death checking it out. Where are your parents, who should be suggesting an all expenses paid vacation to Ibiza or Las Vegas or some sexy, party-time place where there are lots of people to take the bullet (or axe) for you? Frankly, this begs the question: is it the parents’ fault that kids are dying in horror films these days?
Suggested form of survival: GO. TO. A. POPULAR. VACATION. SPOT. That cabin on Haunted Lake, once owned by your crazy uncle the taxidermist? Not a great spot for you and your friends. Pick a brightly lit, “in the way” location with lots and lots of people.
You’re checking something – Checking on “things” (breaker switch, blown fuses, noises, ghost-like children running in the woods) is a VERY bad idea. If you’re doing this alone, you are the weakest link. You may be brave, but there is no reason to be stupid as well. However, if you suspect that your best friend is cheating with your boyfriend, and your best friend is also good with animals, then having her check on that animal that just ran into the closet is a no-brainer.
Suggested form of survival: Odd things that happen should be left to dialogue later, such as “Do you remember that first night when the lights went out, and that ghost kid ran into the closet, right before we got back in the car and left? That was weird.” Stay together or at the very least, hold hands and go check on whatever it is IN A GROUP.
A storm’s a brewin’ – Nothing is a better omen of impending doom than a thunderstorm. If you’re in the boonies of Wisconsin in January and there is a thunderstorm, everyone in your party should stand back to back and slowly rotate out of the room and into the car and head south to Florida, where all NEW horrors await!
The only thing worse than thunderstorms? Fog. Scariest weather phenomenon ever.
Sunny! Sunny! Sunny! Check the weather first. Always. If there are going to be thunderstorms, reschedule that isolated vacation. Never take a vacation or a drive through anywhere on the map that has a chance of thunderstorms. In this day and age of The Weather Channel and advanced forecasting, if you’re caught in a thunderstorm away from other people, then Darwinism has proved its point.
Feeling weird/cold/off – It’s Arizona in August. The A/C’s broken. Yet, you’re cold and you can see your breath. Yep, an evil spirit has just walked into the room and is pretty upset you can’t seem to get on the damned phone and call the repairman. Or maybe it’s that funny feeling under your skin – did you skin literally just crawl?!?! It could be a bug under your skin! Get it out!
Help Me! As Ben Kenobi once said, “Trust your feelings.” Cold breath and the heebie-jeebies? Get the f*ck out of there! I’m a firm believer in that special sixth sense that comes up from time to time that lets you know something is wrong. Arm yourself quickly. (Scroll down to “Around the House” for further instructions.)
You have a new “item” – Garage sales and flea markets are a great source of bargains – and evil spirit-infused antiques!!! If it looks old and ornate and unique, then chances are it’s evil. Let the lady who “only has $5 left” talk the owner out of it.
Buy new and buy American: Be careful not to buy products made in China. Nothing against the Chinese, but sweat shop deaths and the ghosts they produce can find their way into some of these products, especially iPhones.
Around the House – Things can just seem “off” in your house: you walk into your bathroom. The shower curtain is drawn shut, but you totally remember it being open when you left. What about that closet door? Was it open or closed? That bedspread seems a bit low to the floor, doesn’t it? Know this situation before you wash your face, or change your clothes.
Go Berserk! – If you’re unsure whether or not you left things as they are now, you’re best bet is to slowly move back out of the room (watch out for that monster behind you!) , grab the nearest blunt object and come back in swinging! Sure, you may look funny and you might break something, but this is your life! If it was nothing, then you can laugh about it. If not, you’ve just taken the fight to the supernatural entity that wants to mess you up.
Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. If you’re caught in these situations and I read about you in the paper or see you on the news and you’re NOT the one selling the movie rights to some scumbag movie producer, then I am going to be pissed.
On the flip side, if you ARE the survivor and you’re not sending me my 10%, then I’d start checking behind that shower curtain. Or the basement. Or under the bed.
Have a good one, everybody!