Why? Christmas v. The Mayans

Mayan Christmas

Mayan Christmas! Ho, Ho, Noooooooo!

Shop for friends/family or prep for the End of the World? It would have been nice if Christians and Mayans had worked this out earlier.

I’m at an impasse this morning on what I am going to write. It’s not just this blog. In case you haven’t been following, I am writing funny blog pieces for an online dating site (www.datingwebsites.org – just look for my name under bloggers). And of course, there is Cocktails & Movies – my homage to drinking and going to the movies. AND, there is the new business, Total Engagement Media – my social media consultancy.

And all this during the holiday shopping season (oh, did I mention that I am working at Barnes & Noble for the holidays?). Oh, and then there are the dogs that I am boarding and walking every day. You see, it’s a lot to do each day.

Which makes it all the harder for me to prep for the end of the world (24 days from the day I am writing this). It’s a shame that Christmas and The End of the World are so close. It makes shopping way too hard; kind of like having a birthday or anniversary so close to Christmas. It never works out for the person buy the presents. Too many? Too few? How am I supposed to buy pallets of water and have them delivered to my secret underground storage facility and think about what my mom and dad want for Christmas? How am I going to buy lots of canned gods at the local Von’s without inducing a panic buying spree? (Trust me, if the Hostess announcement about Twinkies was any indication, we’re in for a world of hurt if this Mayan thing has ANY truth to it…) How can I justify buying presents for my friends if I can’t afford extra rounds for my AR-15 to save them when roaming hordes of post-apocalyptic ruffians bear down on them. Not to mention I have to make the Mustang ready for an instant get away in case California goes the way of “2012.”

The great thing about working at B&N is that there is NO shortage of survival guides available for the discerning Doomsday Prepper. I’ve read through several of them on my breaks, picking up tips on water purification and how to treat wounds with a stick and a piece of slightly chewed gum. Unfortunately, while I’m asking if you “found everything all right,” I’m running through end of world scenarios and asking myself if I have everything ready. And, which is better for sealing a wound, Wrigley’s Spearmint, or Hubba-Bubba Raspberry-Watermelon?

I can’t be the only one preparing, can I? There have to be a million people alone in California who are preparing for any manner of the last days. I am sure that they have more guns than I do, but I have high ground, lots of water and a well-armed neighbor. It might come down to me, and then I’ll be the last man on Earth, for which I had this shirt made years ago.

So, Merry Christmas a little early. (In case I forget to tell you as I work to fortify my compound and then some big Mayan god starts stomping all over the planet.)

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