Christmas: What’s In It For Santa?

No rest for the weary. Time to get started on 2013!

Well, it’s Christmas. And that means that Santa is making the rounds to the kids who have been nice all year, and honestly to the ones who have been a bit naughty as well because parents love their kids no matter how much of a pain in the ass they have been. For instance, when I was a kid, Santa still came and gave me presents even after I used wire cutters to cut all my dad’s extension cords and used a hammer and flat-head screwdriver to chisel at the tile in my parents’ basement, and countless other dumb-ass things (all in the same year) because I saw someone doing it and I thought it looked cool. 

So, Santa has a lot to do to ride around year in a convertible sleigh at high altitude, riding behind eight reindeer to millions of kids in one 24-hour period.

But, have you ever thought to yourself: what’s in it for him? You could argue that he IS Saint Nicolas after all and he doesn’t do it for any gratitude. But, then again he’s human, so he probably does want at least a modicum of recognition for a superhuman feat of strength, agility and endurance every year.

As you open your presents from the fat man, and enjoy them throughout the year, think about what this man has to go through to make you happy:

Christmas Eve: In the Northern Hemisphere were most of the world’s population lives and a good majority of Christian believers reside, it’s Winter and that means it’s also pretty damn cold. For a man who has lives at the North Pole, cold and flu season is EVERY DAY. You think that he’d take his time around the equator, but then there are only 24 hours in a day to deliver the presents.  Santa has no hard top for the sleigh and he’s constantly in the downwind position of Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen and the rest. That can’t smell too good.

The other 364 days a year are all spent dealing with everything leading up to this point.

Major heartburn, diabetes and lactose intolerance: If I was Santa, I wouldn’t want celery sticks and/or carrots, but how had is it on the body to swing around the world, gulp down glasses of warm milk and cookies and still try to shimmy down millions of chimneys on Christmas?

Labor costs: Look, when it was just elves pounding dowels into the legs of rocking horses and wooden toy cars, it might have been easy to pay off the labor force with cookies he collects and good cheer, but do you know how much an JavaScript developer and computer engineer costs in the workplace? It’s a lot! Imagine that times a 1000, or million. I don’t know who’s bankrolling him, but they have to have deep pockets. And don’t even get me started on the Elf Union Local 16…

Raw materials: With the Chinese buying up all the good shit around the world, Santa has to pay more and more for the material needed to build that new iPad for you 6 year-old. Think about that when your preteen is posting dumb videos of themselves trying to jump their skateboard (also from Santa) off the roof of your house.

Rest, recover and Ms. Claus: There’s no way Santa doesn’t need a rest after this night and it probably takes six months to recover. But, again he has to deal with all the issues at home, like a wife who wants to spend time with him. Come on, the man is old (centuries!!!)! How is supposed to satisfy Mrs. Claus if he’s so burned out from December 24th? By the time, he IS back up and on his feet, summer has returned to the North Pole and now that the ice sheets are melting, he has to deal with marauding polar bears that can’t find ice to fish from. Those polar bears are not the kind to just enjoy a Coke…

Paperwork: And there is next year’s list. Judging by the way some kids act on Christmas day, names will already be moved to the “naughty” list.

So, again, I ask you: what’s in it for Santa Claus? As you sit there, thanking God that the “shopping season” is over and things can return to “normal,” remind yourself that there is ONE man who makes it all possible for you to enjoy that eggnog while you watch your kids play with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the presents themselves.

Thank the fat man (and I don’t mean Don Corleone) for all his hard work and the headaches he endures and will endure for you to have a Merry Christmas every year.



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