So Many Cliffs, So Little to Do

Offtopictim car off cliff

Look out!

In case you haven’t noticed, which is hard to do since it’s the top story on the news EVERY. DAMN. DAY., the U.S. is heading toward a cliff. It’s like Toonces the Driving Cat is in control of our country, just turning that wheel from side to side, minding his own business.

It’s going to be the end of us all. Post-Mayan apocalypse. Armageddon. End of days. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria! Dead rising from the grave

This should be good news for the housing market though, since those zombies will need places to live and low interest loans to buy them. That should help out the banking system and the housing market, especially in hard hit places like Arizona and Nevada. But it will be a big problem for the unemployment numbers with the influx of a new, cheap labor force. They can save on food costs (see below) and can work for less than a minimum living wage. Americans will literally have to fight for economic survival with their long dead loved ones. Luckily, zombies are en vogue right now on TV and we have plenty of shows and books to give us pointers on how to deal with that mess.

Many of you know how I feel about politics and media coverage on every “news event.” I use the word “insipid” a lot and it applies to both topics. The “fiscal cliff” that everyone is warning us of is a manufactured news item to keep you tuned into the networks, scare you and continue the drumbeat of how faulty America is. In actuality, essentially what will happen is the same thing as if a deal is struck to avert the “cliff.” Taxes will go up, spending will go down, and the world will end. Sure, it will happen in different parts of the economy. If we go over the cliff, taxes will go up on every and we’ll cut essential services like defense. If we strike a deal, some taxes will go up, and we’ll cut essential services such as unemployment insurance and medicare.

Either way, America will fall into a deep depression that will force us to use the aforementioned zombies as shock troops, as militias sprout up around the country and roving bands of marauders in souped up cars scavenge for gas and food. China will rise to the top seat in the world economy, followed by Brazil and India, and we’ll all be given Mandarin dictionaries and learn how to make noodles in our home economics classes. Which will shortly thereafter be followed by Brazil capoeira dancing, and lessons in the Kama Sutra. Hey, I didn’t say it was all bad.

But, there is an even greater cliff that everyone in America faces. No, it’s not about the water demand/supply problem for LA. It’s much graver. It’s a dire consequence that will affect everything from breakfast through dinner. You won’t be able to dunk your Oreos into anything, and you’ll have nothing to leave Santa to drink with his cookies. Bones will become brittle, teeth will chip easier, old people will break hips easier. Yes, that’s right I’m talking about the “milk cliff.”

Among many, many, many, many, many other things that your government hasn’t done this year, you know except for finger pointing, name calling, political maneuvering, and a lot of chest-thumping, is pass a farm bill. The farm bill includes disaster relief for farmers from such things as the growing drought and wild fires. But, it also affects the cost of milk. If a bill isn’t passed by December 31st, or 3 days from now, the cost of milk could rise by $3 a gallon. That’s right: it does a body good, but at $6-$8 a gallon, it won’t do your wallet any good. Dairy farm policy would revert to laws enacted during the Truman administration. The century old policy that the government would revert to enacts a floor (or minimum wage, if you will) for milk prices based on a time when cows were milked by hand before advances in milk production. And, this in turn would raise prices. (If a new bill isn’t passed by March, then products like corn and peanuts could feel the same effect.)

offtopictim dairy cows

We’re going to be sooooo rich!

A milk cliff is much more dangerous than a fiscal cliff. We could become a nation of brittle boned, chipped toothed, water-in-cereal Americans. It would be a shame for girls like this to never grow up and be the young women beautiful enough to marry a man, have his children and wear Juicy Couture sweats all day while driving his Range Rover. And in case you didn’t know, CHEESE is made from milk. That affects everything from your burrito at Chipotle to your Papa John’s pizza (which will be more expensive by $.20 each already due to the drastic effects of the socialistic Affordable Health Care Act). We may be finding that French cheeses at Whole Foods are less expensive – good news to a few of my friends.

It could be that the French are behind this. It may very well be part of an alien conspiracy to make us softer for an upcoming invasion. It may be the Russians. It may just be short-sighted, child-like actions by the men and few women elected to be your representation in Washington, D.C. Any way you look at it, you can stop feeling bad about your gas prices. Milk prices are set to knock your socks off.

By the time that is fixed, you’ll have to start worrying about water…

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