Are We Secretly Using the Metric System?

59 oz orange juiceYesterday, I was at Von’s buying what I thought was a 1/2 gallon of orange juice for the week and I looked at the bottle and it was actually only 59 oz. WTF!?!? This was quite puzzling as I could have sworn that it was logical to sell liquid things in America in gallon-based sizes, or at least ounces. So Tim, you’re asking yourself, “What’s wrong with that? Who really cares if it’s 59 ounces or 64 ounces?”

Well, do you mean besides that fact that I’m paying for 5 oz less of OJ at the old gallon price or that there might be something insidious at work here? I’ll tell you: 59 oz is actually 1.75l in diguise! Sure, it took me some time to do the conversion, but I found it.

Yes, that’s right: the metric system is taking over. About 40 years after my grade school teachers tried to foist this crazy, logic-based system of measurement on me and my generation, it’s slowly being introduced into American culture. It’s killing the memories of my youth:

  • When I grew up, everyone called it a “fifth of…” (rum, vodka, whiskey, etc.), now we call it a 750ml bottle. How am I supposed to know how much I’m drinking? I’m an American. If I drink 750ml of liquor, what does that equal in oz? Can I drive? Can a case be made in front of a judge that I didn’t know the conversion factor?
  • Also, autos of my youth had cubic inch engines, which sounded so much more badass than¬†liters or god forbid,¬†litres. A 427 cubic inch ‘Cuda engine sounds so much more insane than would a 7L engine. Roarrr!

So, who do we blame for this infection of logical, decimal-based numeral system of weights and measures? Most would probably blame Obama, if it hadn’t started much earlier than his presidency. Could it be a European socialist plot to subvert Americans by slowly confusing them on how much they’re eating and or drinking? Or is it something more benevolent? Maybe the government and the “powers that be” are working to lessen consumption of EVERYTHING by slowly switching over to the metric system to make if seem like we’re consuming the same amounts, but we’re not. Anyway you slice it, we’re slowly being weened off the measurements that came from measuring pre Roman and Anglo-Saxon invaders’ feed, barleycorns and rods. (heh heh).

When you’re starting to see highway measurements in km instead of miles or gas measured in liters instead of gallons, you’ll know the conversion is complete. And you’ll realize I was right.

 

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