Category Archives: America!

The Great Wall(s) of America

In today’s society, The Great Wall(s) of America divide us through many means

phone-couple the Great Wall of America

Hi honey. Hi honey. Did you like dinner? Yes, I did.

If there is one thing that I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older in this era of “social media” and technological breakthroughs, it’s that there is a separation that has grown between people, even among our closest friends, that I like to call “The Great Wall(s) of America.” By relying on the usage of Facebook, Twitter, Instagam and the myriad of other social media outlets, we have built a wall between ourselves. We no longer have the ability to converse directly with each other, let alone the telephone. We’ve built The Great Wall(s) of America around ourselves. The Chinese may have been able to build a wall to keep out their enemies. We’ve built walls to keep out our friends. Continue reading

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Are We Secretly Using the Metric System?

59 oz orange juiceYesterday, I was at Von’s buying what I thought was a 1/2 gallon of orange juice for the week and I looked at the bottle and it was actually only 59 oz. WTF!?!? This was quite puzzling as I could have sworn that it was logical to sell liquid things in America in gallon-based sizes, or at least ounces. So Tim, you’re asking yourself, “What’s wrong with that? Who really cares if it’s 59 ounces or 64 ounces?”

Well, do you mean besides that fact that I’m paying for 5 oz less of OJ at the old gallon price or that there might be something insidious at work here? I’ll tell you: 59 oz is actually 1.75l in diguise! Sure, it took me some time to do the conversion, but I found it.

Yes, that’s right: the metric system is taking over. About 40 years after my grade school teachers tried to foist this crazy, logic-based system of measurement on me and my generation, it’s slowly being introduced into American culture. It’s killing the memories of my youth:

  • When I grew up, everyone called it a “fifth of…” (rum, vodka, whiskey, etc.), now we call it a 750ml bottle. How am I supposed to know how much I’m drinking? I’m an American. If I drink 750ml of liquor, what does that equal in oz? Can I drive? Can a case be made in front of a judge that I didn’t know the conversion factor?
  • Also, autos of my youth had cubic inch engines, which sounded so much more badass than liters or god forbid, litres. A 427 cubic inch ‘Cuda engine sounds so much more insane than would a 7L engine. Roarrr!

So, who do we blame for this infection of logical, decimal-based numeral system of weights and measures? Most would probably blame Obama, if it hadn’t started much earlier than his presidency. Could it be a European socialist plot to subvert Americans by slowly confusing them on how much they’re eating and or drinking? Or is it something more benevolent? Maybe the government and the “powers that be” are working to lessen consumption of EVERYTHING by slowly switching over to the metric system to make if seem like we’re consuming the same amounts, but we’re not. Anyway you slice it, we’re slowly being weened off the measurements that came from measuring pre Roman and Anglo-Saxon invaders’ feed, barleycorns and rods. (heh heh).

When you’re starting to see highway measurements in km instead of miles or gas measured in liters instead of gallons, you’ll know the conversion is complete. And you’ll realize I was right.

 

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Election Day Issues – TV Animation Quote Edition

(make sure to watch all the links, everyone)

REMEMBER TO VOTE TODAY, PEOPLE!!! (Just like Homer) OTHERWISE THE TERRORISTS, VOLDEMORT AND EMPEROR PALPATINE ALL WIN… Be an informed voter, and a prepared voter, to avoid voter surpression. Maybe you can read and watch this in the line to vote.

Undecided voters, take note.

Simpsons election issuesI know you’re tired. You’re fed up. You’re happy to see this day come and exit quickly. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun with discussing the issues. From immigration to health care to to education to abortion rights to the economy to the conflicts (no war was ever declared) around the world, here are some things to think about as you stand next to that woman who thinks Obama is a socialist Kenyan or that man who believes Romney is actually going to pull the zipper and remove the costume revealing an alien inside…

Right to Choose/Right to Life/Abortion Rights: Whatever you want to call it, whether you are for life, choice or you just want someone to say what they mean, here is WHAT they say to get your vote.

Health Care: We may not be #1 in health care, but at least.. well, I’ll let Homer tell you. Some countries also offer FREE healthcare. Canada, such a horrible country to live in…

Also, what are you candidates’ thoughts on Stem cell research

 ImmigrationWho will kick our field goals or train our white tigers? – Homer Simpson

Whether it’s day laborers or our porous borders, it’s a heated issue.

Education: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain – remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Religion: Religion is best left out of politics, for obvious reasons. Evolution vs. Creationism is a big thing to lots of voters, especially on the state left as people elect boards of eductions. Whether you are Christian or other, the candidates’ religion should be low on the factor list.

There is a bunch that I am missing including unions, teachers, and politicians themselves, but hopefully you’ve got a smile on that face when you go to vote today!

 

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Why you need to Raise YOUR Bar

It’s time to raise YOUR bar! Starting now! Get on it and stop the continual slide toward human idiocy.

How do you raise your bar? It’s not easy. If it were easy, we’d all be speaking coherently, talking about real issues, standing up straight while dressed professionally. But, like all things that need fixing, it will take more time to fix it than it has to have broken it. This is the Catch-22 inherent to the problem. People want things immediately regardless of the cost, and scoff at the effort and resources it takes to change them. Grown lazy by years of getting things when and how they wanted them, any effort required is met with resistance. So, people tended to give up and compromise in order to avoid a fight. How then, do you raise your bar? Continue reading

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The Stakes Have Never Been Higher! #hopeoftheearth

(Yet another news story has leapt in front of my three part series about “raising your bar.” Don’t worry, the election is almost over…)

Hi, everyone. The pressure on you and me as Americans has never been higher. Sure, full-time employment escapes us at this point, even though I am doing enough freelance writing to live. And, in my life there is no special woman calling me to tell me that she made a wonderful dinner and asking when I’m coming by later. But, bigger things are beginning to weigh me down. I went to bed last night full of dread. As my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep, I was frantically making plans to help save the planet. You see, America, apparently we are the hope of the Earth!

Note: if you’re reading this and you are NOT a U.S. citizen, relax. According to a certain debater, only the U.S. is “the hope of the Earth.” So, you’re off the hook. Feel free to sit on the bench and chill out with a cigarette and watch some Honey-Boo-Boo. You’re welcome. We’ll get to you as soon as we can and help you out of any jam you find yourself in while you’re watching us kick some ass!

Luckily, I’ve written on being better prepared. That was only for a natural disaster or earthquake and I’m sure that I will have to write one for general upheaval/mayhem soon. But as an American, if I am going to be part of the hope of the Earth, I am going to have to start realizing who my enemies ARE and what I can do to blunt their attack on this planet that I hold dear.  These are the steps that I would take to make sure that Mother Earth rests assured that America is going to take care of her.

If this is what they are doing in binders, I want to be in the binders!

1. Free the women out of those damn binders! First, they can’t breathe in those things. IF something bad happens to the Earth though, we’ll all be grateful to Mitt Romney for keeping these ladies in pristine condition. Second, we’ll need all the Americans we can get to save the Earth. And, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there is nothing scarier than a woman who’s pissed off at you for messing up her plans.

2. Unless a possible Romney administration gets to build the Death Star, we are wide open for attack from the Martians who are probably a little pissed off that we’re criss-crossing their pristine planet with our ATV’s and four-wheelers like a bunch of nerdy rednecks. With our supply of horses and bayonets on the wane since 1916, America should begin investing in new technologies such as 10-speeds and sharpened sticks. Going downhill we’d be unstoppable. And with an army of well-trained, bicycle-riding Mormon missionaries leading the charge, we’d mow down any resistance.

3. Everyone loves teachers, of course (how that has ANYTHING to do with foreign policy, I still don’t know). I know I love teachers. If you want to know why, just email me or follow me on Twitter. Once we remove them from the plastic, it will be on these educators to teach the survivors how to ride the bikes and sharpen the sticks that our children will use to defend the defenseless (namely the rest of the world).

You’re welcome, citizens of Planet Earth! Rest assured that we hold the fact that we are the “hope of the Earth” with high regard. We won’t let you down. We shall stand astride our bikes, sharpened sticks in the air, at the top of the hill and ride down upon the world’s enemies. And then up the other side of the half pipe, then back down, maybe a flip in the air.

If the battle for Earth doesn’t take place in a half pipe, non-American Earthlings, you’re on your own.

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