Government leaders, please take note…
AMC is thankfully running a marathon of “The Walking Dead” this weekend, and I believe that there is a lot that America and its leaders can learn from this show. All Americans and their lawmakers would be well served watching the complete first and second seasons in order to learn how to better prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. (Later this week, I’ll also take a look at how we, as a planet, can better protect ourselves from space disasters and alien invasions.)
The need to be prepared from The Walking Dead
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” Benjamin Franklin once said. At the time, he was referring to the transportation of hot coals from the fireplace to smaller stoves throughout one’s house in other rooms to keep them warm in winter. But had he been alive today, I am sure that he would be referring instead to the rise of zombies, be it from a diseased animal, biological weapons or just crazy psychos jonesin’ for the main ingredient of Soylent Green. He would have suggested guns, water, diet and exercise, better building codes and the need for a alternative fuel source infrastructure.
Guns, guns, guns (oh, and bows, axes and samurai swords)
If there is one thing that I’ve learned from “The Walking Dead,” and other zombie films, it’s that you need to be weapons proficient. The current growth in popularity of archery, thanks to movies like “The Hunger Games,” “The Avengers” and “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, is fueling a resurgence in sales of bows and arrows. This is a good thing. Not only do you look cool with a bow in your hand and a quiver of arrows slung across your back, but if you get good at it you can peg lurching zombies from 50 yards away. A comfortable distance if you don’t want to get bitten.
But, people, we HAVE the 2nd Amendment to the constitution. Sure, it was added to keep a well armed militia in case we are ever invaded. But, except for movies like “Red Dawn” and the Chuck Norris film, “Invasion U.S.A.,” we haven’t had to rely on this amendment. It is instead used by a well funded Washington lobby group to keep large caliber rifles and hand guns in the hands of terrified wildlife hunters. But, if there is a zombie attack, you can send your donation checks to the NRA with a special thank-you note and a picture with you and the latest zombie you killed with your Arma-Lite AR-15 semi-automatic. (Hopefully it’s that disrespectful little shit on the skateboard that uses your driveway every night at midnight as a skate ramp…)
I would also suggest learning how to handle a basic fire axe, a machete, and the most badass of all blade weapons: the samurai sword.
Health, especially cardio
If you haven’t seen “Zombieland,” then you’re missing a really funny and informative movie. Jessie Eisenberg’s “rules” are a fantastic how-to in surviving the zombigeddon. Rule #1 is cardio!! A zombie apocalypse will be the ultimate evolutionary step for humanity. The current obesity epidemic in the United States means that 33% of Americans are ripe for the picking. While this will surely keep them full for a time, you can bet that they will be looking to continue eating. You don’t have to be the fastest in your group, just not the slowest. Think Will Smith’s workout regimen in “I am Legend.” If you haven’t held on to your New Year’s resolution of working out and losing weight, now would be a good time to start working on it.
Water is the source of life. You can go weeks without food, but only seven days without water. As the bodies pile up and the nuclear reactors go nuclear unleashing fallout and pestilence, which will be going directly down the proverbial drain and into the ground water sources, you’re sources of fresh water are going to be pretty limited, my friend. So, start stocking up on bottled water. Buy that extra case of Arrowhead or Kroger’s bottled water and stock it in your pantry. Even better: if you have the property, you can build a 10,000 gallon stainless steel water tank buried in a bunker somewhere. Be careful, though. As soon as someone finds out you have it, you are going to be very popular… Then you need to refer back to the guns portion of this blog.
Stronger building codes
Depending on what you film or show you watch, zombies are either really, really puzzled by glass or find it easily to plunge right through on their way to munching on your calves and forearms for lunch and dinner. What you really want to do is start building your compound in a remote area with limited access. A place that you can control with very few people, who are bound to come unglued while the world falls apart around them and “America’s Got Talent” and “The Voice” stop production. You’ll want watch towers and turrets, high walls, a moat if you can build it, and very few windows. Although if you DO have the money, then you can afford three-inch thick “bankers” glass to watch and laugh at the zombies as their frustration grows, clawing at the windows. Hell, build your whole house out of it, if you want. Or you can build a house like the one above. Whatever you do, have a plan to hold off the undead. And have one to get out. It kills me every time that people think that they are safe in their house.
Alternative power sources
Last, but certainly not least, American’s need to start investing in alternative fuel sources and a power grid that could conceivably keep itself powered with very little supervision. Certainly, Americans should add these inexpensive items to their homes today! Solar power panels on your roof are an excellent source of power if you live in the Southwest. And if you live in the East, you can count on the wind to power your multiple windmills around your property. The point here is that nuclear power plants are going to go Fukishima around the world and make a big mess of the place and really cut your power supply. Coal will no longer be mined and gas will no longer be refined, limiting other electric plants. So, learn how to light a candle or build your fortified compound near a river or stream for hydroelectric power. And FOR GOD’S SAKE, make sure the extension cords are buried, lest the zombies trip over them and your power goes out while reading this valuable how-to guide from inside the comfort of your impregnable fortress.
What to take away from this
Movie makers that make zombie movies are your friends. They are training you in the how-to’s of keeping your sorry asses alive when the time comes. By watching and studying these “learning documentaries,” better educated people will survive and thrive in the wreckage of society. You can thank me later.