Tag Archives: Americans

The Stakes Have Never Been Higher! #hopeoftheearth

(Yet another news story has leapt in front of my three part series about “raising your bar.” Don’t worry, the election is almost over…)

Hi, everyone. The pressure on you and me as Americans has never been higher. Sure, full-time employment escapes us at this point, even though I am doing enough freelance writing to live. And, in my life there is no special woman calling me to tell me that she made a wonderful dinner and asking when I’m coming by later. But, bigger things are beginning to weigh me down. I went to bed last night full of dread. As my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep, I was frantically making plans to help save the planet. You see, America, apparently we are the hope of the Earth!

Note: if you’re reading this and you are NOT a U.S. citizen, relax. According to a certain debater, only the U.S. is “the hope of the Earth.” So, you’re off the hook. Feel free to sit on the bench and chill out with a cigarette and watch some Honey-Boo-Boo. You’re welcome. We’ll get to you as soon as we can and help you out of any jam you find yourself in while you’re watching us kick some ass!

Luckily, I’ve written on being better prepared. That was only for a natural disaster or earthquake and I’m sure that I will have to write one for general upheaval/mayhem soon. But as an American, if I am going to be part of the hope of the Earth, I am going to have to start realizing who my enemies ARE and what I can do to blunt their attack on this planet that I hold dear.  These are the steps that I would take to make sure that Mother Earth rests assured that America is going to take care of her.

If this is what they are doing in binders, I want to be in the binders!

1. Free the women out of those damn binders! First, they can’t breathe in those things. IF something bad happens to the Earth though, we’ll all be grateful to Mitt Romney for keeping these ladies in pristine condition. Second, we’ll need all the Americans we can get to save the Earth. And, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there is nothing scarier than a woman who’s pissed off at you for messing up her plans.

2. Unless a possible Romney administration gets to build the Death Star, we are wide open for attack from the Martians who are probably a little pissed off that we’re criss-crossing their pristine planet with our ATV’s and four-wheelers like a bunch of nerdy rednecks. With our supply of horses and bayonets on the wane since 1916, America should begin investing in new technologies such as 10-speeds and sharpened sticks. Going downhill we’d be unstoppable. And with an army of well-trained, bicycle-riding Mormon missionaries leading the charge, we’d mow down any resistance.

3. Everyone loves teachers, of course (how that has ANYTHING to do with foreign policy, I still don’t know). I know I love teachers. If you want to know why, just email me or follow me on Twitter. Once we remove them from the plastic, it will be on these educators to teach the survivors how to ride the bikes and sharpen the sticks that our children will use to defend the defenseless (namely the rest of the world).

You’re welcome, citizens of Planet Earth! Rest assured that we hold the fact that we are the “hope of the Earth” with high regard. We won’t let you down. We shall stand astride our bikes, sharpened sticks in the air, at the top of the hill and ride down upon the world’s enemies. And then up the other side of the half pipe, then back down, maybe a flip in the air.

If the battle for Earth doesn’t take place in a half pipe, non-American Earthlings, you’re on your own.

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What America Needs to Learn From “The Walking Dead.”

Government leaders, please take note…

AMC is thankfully running a marathon of “The Walking Dead” this weekend, and I believe that there is a lot that America and its leaders can learn from this show. All Americans and their lawmakers would be well served watching the complete first and second seasons in order to learn how to better prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. (Later this week, I’ll also take a look at how we, as a planet, can better protect ourselves from space disasters and alien invasions.)

The need to be prepared from The Walking Dead

Walking Dead Zombie Prep

No way does Ben Franklin become a zombie! Prevention, people!

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” Benjamin Franklin once said. At the time, he was referring to the transportation of hot coals from the fireplace to smaller stoves throughout one’s house in other rooms to keep them warm in winter. But had he been alive today, I am sure that he would be referring instead to the rise of zombies, be it from a diseased animal, biological weapons or just crazy psychos jonesin’ for the main ingredient of Soylent Green. He would have suggested guns, water, diet and exercise, better building codes and the need for a alternative fuel source infrastructure.

Guns, guns, guns (oh, and bows, axes and samurai swords)

The best walking dead zombie defense is a good offense

Sure, it seems like you don’t really NEED it. Now. But, when the zombies lurch toward your compound, you can thank the 2nd Amendment that you have it.

If there is one thing that I’ve learned from “The Walking Dead,” and other zombie films, it’s that you need to be weapons proficient. The current growth in popularity of archery, thanks to movies like “The Hunger Games,” “The Avengers” and “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, is fueling a resurgence in sales of bows and arrows. This is a good thing. Not only do you look cool with a bow in your hand and a quiver of arrows slung across your back, but if you get good at it you can peg lurching zombies from 50 yards away. A comfortable distance if you don’t want to get bitten.

But, people, we HAVE the 2nd Amendment to the constitution. Sure, it was added to keep a well armed militia in case we are ever invaded. But, except for movies like “Red Dawn” and the Chuck Norris film, “Invasion U.S.A.,” we haven’t had to rely on this amendment. It is instead used by a well funded Washington lobby group to keep large caliber rifles and hand guns in the hands of terrified wildlife hunters. But, if there is a zombie attack, you can send your donation checks to the NRA with a special thank-you note and a picture with you and the latest zombie you killed with your Arma-Lite AR-15 semi-automatic. (Hopefully it’s that disrespectful little shit on the skateboard that uses your driveway every night at midnight as a skate ramp…)

I would also suggest learning how to handle a basic fire axe, a machete, and the most badass of all blade weapons: the samurai sword.

Health, especially cardio

If you haven’t seen “Zombieland,” then you’re missing a really funny and informative movie. Jessie Eisenberg’s “rules” are a fantastic how-to in surviving the zombigeddon. Rule #1 is cardio!! A zombie apocalypse will be the ultimate evolutionary step for humanity. The current obesity epidemic in the United States means that 33% of Americans are ripe for the picking. While this will surely keep them full for a time, you can bet that they will be looking to continue eating. You don’t have to be the fastest in your group, just not the slowest. Think Will Smith’s workout regimen in “I am Legend.” If you haven’t held on to your New Year’s resolution of working out and losing weight, now would be a good time to start working on it.

Water

Water is the source of life. You can go weeks without food, but only seven days without water. As the bodies pile up and the nuclear reactors go nuclear unleashing fallout and pestilence, which will be going directly down the proverbial drain and into the ground water sources, you’re sources of fresh water are going to be pretty limited, my friend. So, start stocking up on bottled water. Buy that extra case of Arrowhead or Kroger’s bottled water and stock it in your pantry. Even better: if you have the property, you can build a 10,000 gallon stainless steel water tank buried in a bunker somewhere. Be careful, though. As soon as someone finds out you have it, you are going to be very popular… Then you need to refer back to the guns portion of this blog.

Stronger building codes

zombie proof house

If you’re human, come on in, stay a while!

zombie proof house

Not you, zombies!

Depending on what you film or show you watch, zombies are either really, really puzzled by glass or find it easily to plunge right through on their way to munching on your calves and forearms for lunch and dinner. What you really want to do is start building your compound in a remote area with limited access. A place that you can control with very few people, who are bound to come unglued while the world falls apart around them and “America’s Got Talent” and “The Voice” stop production. You’ll want watch towers and turrets, high walls, a moat if you can build it, and very few windows. Although if you DO have the money, then you can afford three-inch thick “bankers” glass to watch and laugh at the zombies as their frustration grows, clawing at the windows. Hell, build your whole house out of it, if you want. Or you can build a house like the one above. Whatever you do, have a plan to hold off the undead. And have one to get out. It kills me every time that people think that they are safe in their house.

Alternative power sources

Last, but certainly not least, American’s need to start investing in alternative fuel sources and a power grid that could conceivably keep itself powered with very little supervision. Certainly, Americans should add these inexpensive items to their homes today! Solar power panels on your roof are an excellent source of power if you live in the Southwest. And if you live in the East, you can count on the wind to power your multiple windmills around your property. The point here is that nuclear power plants are going to go Fukishima around the world and make a big mess of the place and really cut your power supply. Coal will no longer be mined and gas will no longer be refined, limiting other electric plants. So, learn how to light a candle or build your fortified compound near a river or stream for hydroelectric power. And FOR GOD’S SAKE, make sure the extension cords are buried, lest the zombies trip over them and your power goes out while reading this valuable how-to guide from inside the comfort of your impregnable fortress.

What to take away from this

Movie makers that make zombie movies are your friends. They are training you in the how-to’s of keeping your sorry asses alive when the time comes. By watching and studying these “learning documentaries,” better educated people will survive and thrive in the wreckage of society. You can thank me later.

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