(Yet another news story has leapt in front of my three part series about “raising your bar.” Don’t worry, the election is almost over…)
Hi, everyone. The pressure on you and me as Americans has never been higher. Sure, full-time employment escapes us at this point, even though I am doing enough freelance writing to live. And, in my life there is no special woman calling me to tell me that she made a wonderful dinner and asking when I’m coming by later. But, bigger things are beginning to weigh me down. I went to bed last night full of dread. As my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep, I was frantically making plans to help save the planet. You see, America, apparently we are the hope of the Earth!
Note: if you’re reading this and you are NOT a U.S. citizen, relax. According to a certain debater, only the U.S. is “the hope of the Earth.” So, you’re off the hook. Feel free to sit on the bench and chill out with a cigarette and watch some Honey-Boo-Boo. You’re welcome. We’ll get to you as soon as we can and help you out of any jam you find yourself in while you’re watching us kick some ass!
Luckily, I’ve written on being better prepared. That was only for a natural disaster or earthquake and I’m sure that I will have to write one for general upheaval/mayhem soon. But as an American, if I am going to be part of the hope of the Earth, I am going to have to start realizing who my enemies ARE and what I can do to blunt their attack on this planet that I hold dear. These are the steps that I would take to make sure that Mother Earth rests assured that America is going to take care of her.
1. Free the women out of those damn binders! First, they can’t breathe in those things. IF something bad happens to the Earth though, we’ll all be grateful to Mitt Romney for keeping these ladies in pristine condition. Second, we’ll need all the Americans we can get to save the Earth. And, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there is nothing scarier than a woman who’s pissed off at you for messing up her plans.
2. Unless a possible Romney administration gets to build the Death Star, we are wide open for attack from the Martians who are probably a little pissed off that we’re criss-crossing their pristine planet with our ATV’s and four-wheelers like a bunch of nerdy rednecks. With our supply of horses and bayonets on the wane since 1916, America should begin investing in new technologies such as 10-speeds and sharpened sticks. Going downhill we’d be unstoppable. And with an army of well-trained, bicycle-riding Mormon missionaries leading the charge, we’d mow down any resistance.
3. Everyone loves teachers, of course (how that has ANYTHING to do with foreign policy, I still don’t know). I know I love teachers. If you want to know why, just email me or follow me on Twitter. Once we remove them from the plastic, it will be on these educators to teach the survivors how to ride the bikes and sharpen the sticks that our children will use to defend the defenseless (namely the rest of the world).
You’re welcome, citizens of Planet Earth! Rest assured that we hold the fact that we are the “hope of the Earth” with high regard. We won’t let you down. We shall stand astride our bikes, sharpened sticks in the air, at the top of the hill and ride down upon the world’s enemies. And then up the other side of the half pipe, then back down, maybe a flip in the air.
If the battle for Earth doesn’t take place in a half pipe, non-American Earthlings, you’re on your own.