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Invasion! How to Detect, Survive and Fight Back Against Alien Invaders!

Why ARE aliens always invading Earth?

Alien Invasion. It's coming!

Here come the Aliens!!!! We are going to need better defenses.

Alien invaders seem to be invading the planet Earth every summer. (Why they don’t attack during winter when we are all huddling inside has NEVER been addressed). Why? Apparently, we seem to have plenty of natural resources here in this little ol’ solar system on the outskirts of the galaxy. Hey, alien assh*les! These are OUR resources! Get your own. Oh, wait…

Although, if aliens are coming to our planet seeking OUR natural resources rather than visiting the suspected 500 million(!) other planets in the so-called “habitable zones” of other stars in the Milky Way, then the rest of the Milky Way is in deep trouble. And, if the aliens don’t get here soon, there might not be anything for them to plunder. Can you imagine how they are going to feel when they get to Earth and it’s closed? Imagine Clark Griswold and Wally World…

Do we even have a chance against alien invasions?

If aliens arrive at our doorstep, they will have demonstrated advanced technology way beyond our current (and near future) capabilities. Interstellar travel, interstellar navigation, advanced engineering, blatant disregard for budgets and spending (although with the Alpha Centaurian dollar valued so high against the Tau Ceti-ian IV bhat, space ships ARE currently really cheap to build), advanced propulsion, radiation shielding, communications (although apparently some less advanced aliens need our satellites to communicate AROUND a planet like in “Independence Day” – what a bunch of rubes), all of which are things that are way beyond our current technology. And budget – but that’s another matter. So, if we find ourselves with an imminent alien invasion, how would we know and how do we repel it? Following these steps might ensure our planet’s safety:

1. Early detection of an alien invasion is key!

Alien Invasions are not televised

Some think aliens are already here. But, I suspect they are just a survey team.

There are many ways to detect an alien invasion, the farther out the better. The James Webb Space Telescope, the replacement to the Hubble Telescope will be a better way for scientists to peer through, into and beyond that pesky space dust that can be hiding an alien invasion force. Sure, we are using it for science’s sake, but shouldn’t it be spending part of its time looking for lurking Klingons near Uranus? (I couldn’t resist!!) With Hubble pointed in one direction and JWST pointed in the other, we have a pretty good set of eyes on the neighborhood. And with Dr. Arroway on the case at SETI in New Mexico, we have pretty good ears out there as well.

If the aliens DO make it to Earth without us knowing about it, it is of utmost importance to learn how to detect any that are skulking about. Depending on who you ask, there are between 12 and 57 alien races that have visited planet Earth and even a treaty has been signed. Like a good game of poker, it’s important to learn alien “tells.” Acting emotionless or conforming or seeing people for the aliens they really when wearing your favorite Ray-Bans, are some popular “tells” that the advanced scout team is already here! At this point, it’s a good bet that soon you’re going to be overrun with aliens, and it’s time that you get prepared.

2. Preparation, again

As with a Zombie Apocalypse, which we discussed earlier this week, preparation is key to defending the planet from the grubby alien hands of E.T.’s covetous little cousins. Here, the Earth seems to have a bit of an advantage. Apparently, even though the vast majority of alien races in the galaxy are technologically advanced, they have turned a deaf ear to Earth’s broadcasts. Aliens have little or no regard for human movie culture. Hell, I don’t if “Battleship,” and “John Carter” are any indication. But, NOT watching broadcasts of “Independence Day,” and TNT’s “Falling Skies,” as well as a Friday Movie Marathon of “War of the Worlds, “Signs,” and “Battle: Los Angeles” leaves them wide open for counterattack. ONE viewing of “War of the Worlds” would send them scurrying to their sick bays to get inoculated against Earth’s little microbes. Any alien race that hasn’t visited the planet in 70 years is in for a very big surprise…

a. Move to the Big City… Or Don’t.

Aliens invasions are hard to pin down. Some aliens are sneaky little buggers that infect your loved ones and replace them. This is usually done in small towns in states like Kansas, where kids on dates still park in their cars on scenic overlooks, wearing letter-man jackets and dresses, as falling stars land nearby. Then there is the all-out “destroy all humans” invasion, consisting of a large-scale assault on population centers in a shock and awe campaign. Although, if you live in a big city with no tall buildings, you should be okay. Aliens with city-sized ships evidently need a ground antenna in which to fire their city-killing lasers. Either way, try to live near water. Although these alien invaders hate water and have travelled hundreds or thousands of light years to get here to take our resources, the survey team failed to tell any of their superiors that the planet is 70% water!

So, it appears that you are boned wherever you live. Personal preparation is now the key.

b. Stock up!

Alien Invasion survival kit!

My birthday IS only two months away (hint, hint).

Provisions, people. You probably don’t need to run from aliens like you would zombies, so high energy foods are not necessary. But, you will need water and canned goods.

Guns, lots of guns! Big caliber guns! Automatic guns! And learn how to use them well. If the initial attack of a LOGICAL alien invasion is successful, the military will be wiped out and we’ll be relying on crazy, automatic weapon-toting anti-government nuts in Idaho, Western Montana and Easter Oregon and Washington. You really, really don’t want these guys in charge post invasion…

Watch reruns of “MacGyver” and “Burn Notice” to learn how to make bombs. These two TV shows are invaluable pools of knowledge.

Make a “uniform” complete with a helmet (no doubt explosions will throw you many feet in the air) with a full face mask (alien’s tend to infest via the mouth), and pockets for things you never know you will need – matches, toilet paper, bottle opener, screw drivers, etc. Especially cool if you find an old Stormtrooper’s outfit.

c. Build large-scale weapons – the cold, the flu and weapons that go “boom”

Sure, it SOUNDS like a bad idea. Proliferation can be a real downer. But, having these weapons at the ready can be a huge deterrent to any alien invaders. If that alien survey team from 70 years ago hasn’t been back, then they have no idea how good at creating weapons we have become as a species. It’s possible that if the survey team comes back for one last survey before they strike, we can march our weapons on display in space like a USSR May Day Parade! We have weapons that can burrow hundreds of feet into the ground then explode. Surely, we can create a weapon that can pierce the hull of an interstellar spaceship. Millions of people get sick with the flu every winter. Why not have them all sneeze into jars to stockpile and use as bio-weapon grenades? The possibilities of anti-alien weapons is are endless and untapped.

4. Fight back!

Now that you’ve followed the previous 5 steps, you are ready to repel any alien invasion. Start a “neighborhood watch.” No matter if they are smart aliens with a logical plan of attack and have been inoculated, or whether they are barreling toward Earth with no real-time updates about Earth culture, you’re ready for any contingency. Armed with your glass jars of flu, your armor piercing rounds of .50 cal ammunition, and several bottle of water to reload your squirt gun, you can now start an insurrection that will make these aliens regret coming to the “sticks” for resources.

Just remember to keep an eye out for the zombies as well.

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What America Needs to Learn From “The Walking Dead.”

Government leaders, please take note…

AMC is thankfully running a marathon of “The Walking Dead” this weekend, and I believe that there is a lot that America and its leaders can learn from this show. All Americans and their lawmakers would be well served watching the complete first and second seasons in order to learn how to better prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. (Later this week, I’ll also take a look at how we, as a planet, can better protect ourselves from space disasters and alien invasions.)

The need to be prepared from The Walking Dead

Walking Dead Zombie Prep

No way does Ben Franklin become a zombie! Prevention, people!

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” Benjamin Franklin once said. At the time, he was referring to the transportation of hot coals from the fireplace to smaller stoves throughout one’s house in other rooms to keep them warm in winter. But had he been alive today, I am sure that he would be referring instead to the rise of zombies, be it from a diseased animal, biological weapons or just crazy psychos jonesin’ for the main ingredient of Soylent Green. He would have suggested guns, water, diet and exercise, better building codes and the need for a alternative fuel source infrastructure.

Guns, guns, guns (oh, and bows, axes and samurai swords)

The best walking dead zombie defense is a good offense

Sure, it seems like you don’t really NEED it. Now. But, when the zombies lurch toward your compound, you can thank the 2nd Amendment that you have it.

If there is one thing that I’ve learned from “The Walking Dead,” and other zombie films, it’s that you need to be weapons proficient. The current growth in popularity of archery, thanks to movies like “The Hunger Games,” “The Avengers” and “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, is fueling a resurgence in sales of bows and arrows. This is a good thing. Not only do you look cool with a bow in your hand and a quiver of arrows slung across your back, but if you get good at it you can peg lurching zombies from 50 yards away. A comfortable distance if you don’t want to get bitten.

But, people, we HAVE the 2nd Amendment to the constitution. Sure, it was added to keep a well armed militia in case we are ever invaded. But, except for movies like “Red Dawn” and the Chuck Norris film, “Invasion U.S.A.,” we haven’t had to rely on this amendment. It is instead used by a well funded Washington lobby group to keep large caliber rifles and hand guns in the hands of terrified wildlife hunters. But, if there is a zombie attack, you can send your donation checks to the NRA with a special thank-you note and a picture with you and the latest zombie you killed with your Arma-Lite AR-15 semi-automatic. (Hopefully it’s that disrespectful little shit on the skateboard that uses your driveway every night at midnight as a skate ramp…)

I would also suggest learning how to handle a basic fire axe, a machete, and the most badass of all blade weapons: the samurai sword.

Health, especially cardio

If you haven’t seen “Zombieland,” then you’re missing a really funny and informative movie. Jessie Eisenberg’s “rules” are a fantastic how-to in surviving the zombigeddon. Rule #1 is cardio!! A zombie apocalypse will be the ultimate evolutionary step for humanity. The current obesity epidemic in the United States means that 33% of Americans are ripe for the picking. While this will surely keep them full for a time, you can bet that they will be looking to continue eating. You don’t have to be the fastest in your group, just not the slowest. Think Will Smith’s workout regimen in “I am Legend.” If you haven’t held on to your New Year’s resolution of working out and losing weight, now would be a good time to start working on it.

Water

Water is the source of life. You can go weeks without food, but only seven days without water. As the bodies pile up and the nuclear reactors go nuclear unleashing fallout and pestilence, which will be going directly down the proverbial drain and into the ground water sources, you’re sources of fresh water are going to be pretty limited, my friend. So, start stocking up on bottled water. Buy that extra case of Arrowhead or Kroger’s bottled water and stock it in your pantry. Even better: if you have the property, you can build a 10,000 gallon stainless steel water tank buried in a bunker somewhere. Be careful, though. As soon as someone finds out you have it, you are going to be very popular… Then you need to refer back to the guns portion of this blog.

Stronger building codes

zombie proof house

If you’re human, come on in, stay a while!

zombie proof house

Not you, zombies!

Depending on what you film or show you watch, zombies are either really, really puzzled by glass or find it easily to plunge right through on their way to munching on your calves and forearms for lunch and dinner. What you really want to do is start building your compound in a remote area with limited access. A place that you can control with very few people, who are bound to come unglued while the world falls apart around them and “America’s Got Talent” and “The Voice” stop production. You’ll want watch towers and turrets, high walls, a moat if you can build it, and very few windows. Although if you DO have the money, then you can afford three-inch thick “bankers” glass to watch and laugh at the zombies as their frustration grows, clawing at the windows. Hell, build your whole house out of it, if you want. Or you can build a house like the one above. Whatever you do, have a plan to hold off the undead. And have one to get out. It kills me every time that people think that they are safe in their house.

Alternative power sources

Last, but certainly not least, American’s need to start investing in alternative fuel sources and a power grid that could conceivably keep itself powered with very little supervision. Certainly, Americans should add these inexpensive items to their homes today! Solar power panels on your roof are an excellent source of power if you live in the Southwest. And if you live in the East, you can count on the wind to power your multiple windmills around your property. The point here is that nuclear power plants are going to go Fukishima around the world and make a big mess of the place and really cut your power supply. Coal will no longer be mined and gas will no longer be refined, limiting other electric plants. So, learn how to light a candle or build your fortified compound near a river or stream for hydroelectric power. And FOR GOD’S SAKE, make sure the extension cords are buried, lest the zombies trip over them and your power goes out while reading this valuable how-to guide from inside the comfort of your impregnable fortress.

What to take away from this

Movie makers that make zombie movies are your friends. They are training you in the how-to’s of keeping your sorry asses alive when the time comes. By watching and studying these “learning documentaries,” better educated people will survive and thrive in the wreckage of society. You can thank me later.

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